My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
