I can text with my tongue
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
