p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
