I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
