I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
