Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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