you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
