Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
