Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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