I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
