About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
