In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
