So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
