That's when you crack a 10am beer
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
