she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
