Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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