Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
