I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
