i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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