She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i think i just naturally attract stoners
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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