Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
