i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
