Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
