i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
