Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
