Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
