it was like his penis was on wheels.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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