we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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