She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
