She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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