The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
