i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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