I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wish you could order shots online.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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