I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
