so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
