WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize