im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
