what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
