Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
