found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
