dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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