I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
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