If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize