Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I AM VODKA MAN
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
