That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
