The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
