3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
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