In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
