My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
