My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Randomize
