____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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