She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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