Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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