i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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