party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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