I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
