I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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