After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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