Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize