i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
