swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
